Thursday, September 3, 2009

Fallout from Yesterday's Cake Decorating Contest

::Pacing slowly back and forth in front of my compy with my hands clasped behind my back, disapproval written across my face. Sighing. Then turning to face you gize dead in the eyes, but leaving my hands linked behind my back for dramatic disapproval-type effect.::

I had planned to write a post today, in which I would congratulate the winner of the first annual Hunger Games Cake Decorating Contest, while at the same time, murmur soothing words of comfort to the losers. However, I cannot do that, as we have no winner.

::Pausing to let those words sink in::

I understand that the stakes in this contest are high (an apron, a mouse pad, and two refrigerator magnets), so I am completely excusing any corrupt behavior that may have occurred yesterday... but only from a moral standpoint. I cannot, however, let that corrupt poll determine the winner of this contest, and here is why: no one will ever enter my annual cake decorating contest again, bc they'll have no chance of winning. Basically, I'd have an uprising on my hands.

I have lots of complicated evidence of this corrupt behavior, but it's way over your little cake decorating heads, and it would mean me pointing fingers, so I'm just going to show you my simplest evidence.

Here are my Sitemeter results from yesterday:

You see that lil spike on that bar graph? That's how many hits I got yesterday. 938. Now, I'll knock off about 100 to account for you gize checking back over and over to see if you were winning. ::imagining your lil faces falling as you realize you weren't even close, and then your eyebrows narrowing when you see that "60 Seconds" and "Mockingjay" are in the lead:: That leaves 838 hits. Still, not all those people voted, I'm sure, so I'll knock off another 30 hits to account for people who had goggled "Adam Lambert" or "Breaking Dawn" or "Was Jesus' favorite color red?" and were directed to my blog (which is an accurate daily average count). So that leaves 808 hits that might have been IRL people who came to vote on the cake decorating contest.

I'm being generous here. I don't for a second believe you gize really have 808 friends, collectively. I only have about 5, and 3 of them were in the contest.

Now, here are the results from the polldaddy cake decorating vote:

First, you'll notice that Mockingjay got the most votes, and your eyes will narrow, and then your face will soften as you search for your own cake, hoping that perhaps you took second or third place, and then you'll realized that you didn't and your eyes will narrow again, but then you'll see you still got X number of votes and you'll be like "They like me, they really like me!"

But all that is not the point. Please direct your eyes to the bottom of the poll, where the total number of votes have been computed. Yes, 1,217 votes. Now let's take out our calculators...

808 visitors who voted, minus 1,217 total votes, equals negative 409.

Negative 409.

Sitemeter isn't completely accurate all the time, but Sitemeter also isn't that IN-accurate. A few voters might have bypassed my blog and voted via googlereader, but I'm not delusional enough to assume that 409 strangers follow my blog on googlereader. I may be gorgeous, but I have zero personality.

So where did all those extra votes come from?

Still not wanting to jump to any conclusions, I set up THIS anonymous survey to try to get a few answers. 41 people took the survey, and out of that 41, seven people answered "yes" to question number one:

(actual survey)

(^^of your computer hacking skills, yes)

Armed with this knowledge, plus the additional techno-info I have which is beyond your gizes comprehension, I decided that I cannot yet determine a winner of this cake decorating contest.

Here's what I need the ten cake decorators to do:

Follow these instructions carefully:

1) Send an email to ajesplin at gmail dot com
2) In the subject line of your email, copy/paste this: DON'T SCREW WITH JESPY
3) In the body of your email, copy/paste this:

My first place cake is...
My second place cake is...
My third place cake is...

4) WITHOUT VOTING FOR YOUR OWN CAKE in ANY place, fill in your answers.
5) Hit send.

First place = three points
Second place = two points
Third place = one point
Points tabulated, divided, winner determined.

If anyone other than the ten official cake makers tries to send me this email, I will read it, type out some hilarious reply, but then backspace the whole thing and delete your email. ::Srs face::

So, what about all that hard campaigning you gize did? What about all those family members and friends, and childhood acquaintances you sent over to my blog to vote for your cake? And all the friends that your friend's friend sent over?

I do not want all that hard work to go unrewarded. After all, that was the most funniest thing I have ever witnessed. I pretty much spent the whole day laughing. And I know that a lot of those votes were real votes made by real flesh and blood people who glanced at all the neat cakes real quick and then voted for yours anyway.

In fact, I have reason to believe that most, if not all, of the votes that were cast for the Mockingjay cake were done by real flesh and blood people pirates. See, Mockingjay had an ace in her/his pocket:

^^That's Mockingjay's BFF since 8th grade. Sure, she looks sweet, but check this out:

Yes, she's a pirate. A very popular pirate who is fiercely loyal to Mockingjay. All that pirate had to do was say "Oh pretty please with a cherry on top..." and all her crewmates swarmed to my blog to vote for Mockingjay's cake. She welds so much power, in fact, that she didn't even have to promise a certain favor in return, which is part of the pervy pirate code. Ahem.

How do I know this happened, you ask? Because my blog was swamped with referrals from the Pirate4x4 message boards. Swamped, I tell ya. More than any other referral. I actually followed the link and came compy-screen to comy-screen with 'em. (I have a soft spot for pirates, as you know, so I was quite ecstatic that all those pirates came to my blog for 8 seconds, tho. EEEEEeeeek!)

So, here's the deal. To reward all the cake decorating losers who still put in all that hard work with their cake, and then all that hard campaigning work, you will be receiving a delightful consolation prize. It's not as delightful as the apron, but it's nonetheless delightful.

This, the first annual Hunger Games Cake Decorating contest, has now set a precedent for all future Hunger Games Cake Decorating contests. There will always be a popular vote via Polldaddy, with vicious campaigning and discontention among the Tributes, and the prize will be huge: Bragging Rights. But then there will be the electoral votes, which more accurately reflect the best cake, and which will determine the actual winner and come with a tangible prize. Agreed?

K, my post is over. I just want to use this space below to answer some of the questions from the anonymous survey takers.

Q: How many people can you disqualify from a contest before you don't have a contest anymore?
A: all but one

Q: Is there really only one apron?
A: Only one that I am giving away for free. You can certainly buy one, and I will make a 10% profit on it, bc the company I used says I have to make at least a 10% profit. Sorry about that.

Q: The rules are, there are no rules.
A: I know. And those non-rules apply to me as well.

Q: How did you let this get out of control like this? I expected more from my Capitol.
A: Everything was under control all along, you just didn't know it. Listen, I couldn't tell you what was happening behind the scenes. I needed an honest reaction from you.

Q: Did I win?
A: I don't know who you are.

Q: Will you do this again next year?
A: H yeah

Q: Love you Jespy!
A: Can you rephrase that into the form of a question.

Q: is bbf Best Black Friend? I always had a feeling Nicole was black on the inside... all of the cakes were equally... ummm... unique? i did love them all, but the power of the PBB is strong...
A: Yes, and I agree on all points made after.

Q: Why do write "seriuosly" "srsly"?
A: Firstly, bc seriuosly is the incorrect spelling of the word, and secondly, bc it svs me four keystrokes.

Q: Bravo, Pres. Snow. Bravo.
A: Question form please.

Q: Does this mean I'm on restriction?
A: You would be if I knew who you were.

Q: yeah..why am i taking this survery...i dident even bake a cake.
A: My guess is that you were curious about the survey, so you opened it, and then just started answering questions haphazardly bc is it was there open in front of you.

Q: Aaaarrgh!
A: ::unsheathing my cutlass::

Q: Will you make this fair? ::stink eye::
A: Sort of.

Q: since you joined pirate.... you really should follow the rules... :crosses arms and raised eyebrows:
A: ::un-crossing your arms and pushing your eyebrows down:: No.

Q: Can I eat my cake now?
A: Yes

Q: Are you related to Train Horn?
A: Er... is that person?

Q: Can you give us better "material" than Nicole
A: Like "silks" and "velvets"?

Q: what the????
A: It's a survey

A: A SURVEY! sheesh.

Q: Who won?
A: It's almost over. Be patient.


Hot Pants said...

Ah, so this is what you mean by "the rules are, there are no rules"? ::slowly savory the last few bites of my cake, since it's the last one I'll ever make::

ManicMandee said...

That was one crazy blogging adventure wasn't it? So you will be doing this again hu? You're giving everyone a year to think about how to manipulate the results. These people are the most competetive people who will stop at nothing to win. Did you realize what you were getting into? Either way, it's really fun to watch play out. Srsly.

Emily said...

This has been one of the most entertaining sagas in blogosphere history! I'm thinking it's only going to get better...

Jeni said...

Ummm, I am a little hurt...Not by the fact that my cake that i loved didn't win...but for the fact that Amy has a BFF named Nicole who is WAY hotter than me. I thought I was her coolest/hottest friend. I need to go eat some mockingjay cake.

StandsMom said...

First, in true HG fashion, we burst into the arena at the sound of the bell and fought out the fight. I'm SO glad I didn't have to face some of you contestants for realz. I'd be gonners.

B. I love your recap, your evidence, your solution and can't wait to find out how the electoral votes land.

III. I've never met you, but I want to be bffs. You are so funny!

Lastly, I have an empty space knowing that some glorious trip to Forks took place before I became part of SRBC. It may never completely heal, but - this experience has alleviated a lot of that pain. SRBC is the BEST!!!

Memzy said...

All I can think about is how hawt that girl is. I'm not surprised, frankly, that she has people doing her every bidding. I'm essited for the way this is playing out. And I am also already planning my Catching Fire cake for next year. That IS what it will be right?

Memzy said...

Also, when is the email voting closed? And will you post who made what cakes THEN? I'm dying. I'm not a very patient person.

Markie23 said...

Ok Capitol, I'll play by your rules... but I want to point out that:

1) SHE started it.
2) YOU are the one who accused me of sitting back doing nothing, and told me to FIGHT.
4) Exploding Katniss called me weak.
3) Landeelu Landerson accused me of cheating when my cake still only had one vote.
5) And this is key... I could have had votes in the hundreds of thousands. I had a lab full of very smart IT students on 38 computers who were all willing to use web-bots, macros, proxy's and routers located around the globe, in order to make me the undisputed HG Cake Decorating Champion. Those pirates wouldn't have stood a chance.

Anonymous said...

Yarggggg TOGTFO ya hear! The mighty PBB is here!

Jenny ESP said...

I don't know what TOGTFO stands for, but I know PBB means peanut butter and butter sandwich. I make those all the time.

Erin Beck said...

Skipped the reading portion of the blog(way to long) Not sure what its all about but...DA'AM Nichole is looking smoking hot mother of two!

Warriorcats said...

i...i cant belive it... the one i wanted to win the most was actully invaded by pirates......its not really that belivable but i belive it. (CALL ME CRAZY IF U WANT BUT SRLSY...THAT WOMAN LOOKS SCARY) *ahem* wow...*sighs in saddnes as her fave cake was used as a cheat code*

Warriorcats said...

though i must not surprised that her crew did that. i agree with memzy. though...u dont have to be a pirate when u have an eyepatch. but i still beilive it...just barely though.

Warriorcats said...

WAAAAAAIT ONE the second picture of that pirate her face looks like...bella from twighlight....or is that just me...umm...excuse me for a moment....AAAAHHHH!!!

ShelBailey said...

Yeah, Mockingjay's pirates outdid my 1300 polynesians....I shoulda put the word out MUCH sooner. Didn't until I was pretty sure it was my last resort and then called in favors. Just wait until NEXT year!

eekareek said...

NEXT YEAR I will start my campaigning MONTHS in advance and you people won't stand a chance!!!! I already have my cake idea in my head...

Landee said...

I don't want the bragging rights. Campaigning is not for the faint of heart. ::listening to heart...which is quite faint:: I think I'll take some cake decorating classes at my local Michaels Craft Store and win next year based on my skillz instead.

Or go for the nightlock jam. That seems more fun.

Flem said...

I think the pirate twist made this an even funnier story. My friends who voted for me (I was one of those people who was shocked that so many people came on my behalf because I deserved exactly zero votes based on quality) asked what the results were and I said "well the voting got hijacked by pirates."

Heh. People love it.

ShelBailey said...

Landee....just so you know...and not that I know anything about cakes....but my team liked your cake the best. We used half of our votes to vote for you.

You were #5, yes?

eekareek said...

^^^^Did anyone on your team vote for me? Like maybe Venia or possibly Octavia?

ShelBailey said...

I don't think so, Eek, but you were in the running. Not absolutely positive, though. We loved the exploding bit...

Jenny ESP said...

Hot Pants--Be a sport, eh? Go vote.

MM--I loved every minute of it. I'm mostly surprised that half these people even humored me enough to make a cake.


Jeni--she's got BFFs up the yingyang. It's like she's living a double life times ten.

Stands--we were this close to meeting IRL once. Ask Landee about it, it's a funny story.

Memzy--tear your eyes away from the hot girl for a minute and look at me. The results will be in as soon as Hot Pants votes, so go bug her. She's on facebook right now. It's an extremely tight race, btw.

Markie--Seeing all your excuses like that... it all makes sense now. Thanks for explaining yourself.

Erin--I love your "I don't read" act, but we all know you do. And it's not fair about Nicole being hotter than all us Morgans put together, is it?

Warrior cat--trust me on this. The pirates are very real. They are bombarding me with email. I would forward them to you for proof, but your mom wouldn't approve of the content.

Shel--Polynesians V. Pirates? Next year should be interesting.

Eek--Cinna's on my team, and he voted for you.

Landee--Oh, c'mon. You loved the campaigning. And I'm gonna find a fool-proof voting system for next year. Don't worry.

Flem--You have no idea how srs those pirates are about this contest. I think it's the high stakes apron that's putting them over the top.

Hot Pants said...

This blog is the Capital and you are Seneca Crane. ::pulling out berries to pop on my mouth::

StandsMom said...

Does lack of results post mean you're still waiting on Hot Pants? tick tock tick tock

I shouldn't have blown through CF so darn fast.

Mommy Malsack said...

I was linked to this post through the landee see landee doo website and I have to say...THIS IS THE BEST BLOG POST EVER! It has all the elements of a good story; It has food, unscrupulous competitors, pirates and a happy ending! I hope you do more cake decorating contests soon, (even if there are no prizes) because I want in on the action!