Monday, September 28, 2009

Be your own movie critic

I really WANTED to like this movie. I wanted the movie to be cool, so mine and Tony's matching t-shirts would be cool. Anyhow, I guess we can still wear them when we go running at night.

As you can tell from the tag line, "Be your own hero," WHIP IT is basically one of those inspirational, underdog, sports team movies, but with roller derby instead. There was no Gene Hackmen, no sing-a-long sequence, and no slow clap at the end, all of which confused me. The other cliches were in order, as expected:

The underdog team

The new girl who becomes the star player

The career player who rules the ring and hides a soft heart beneath her gruff exterior

The crazy teammate who always gets sent to the penalty box

The frustrated coach

The playbook with the unbeatable "picket fence" play

The bff at home who is super supportive but eventually gets mad bc she is under appreciated

The un-supportive parents who freak when they find out about roller derby, but finally see the light right at the very end

The lesson that it's not about winning, but about following your passion/dreams

If you like that formula, you might enjoy the movie. I guess the thing that makes this movie slightly different is the "grungy punk vibe." Horrible clothes that think they make the statement "I'm different" but really say "I'm trying too hard." The roller derby outfits were da bomb, though. And so were the team names like, the "Hurl Scouts" and the "Holy Rollers." All very garbage pail kids. (I wish my t-shirt said "Hurl Scouts" on it instead of "Be Your Own Hero," then I could wear it as if it were a garbage pail kids shirt.)

There were funny moments, hilarious moments, charming moments, exciting moments, cute moments, but the overall story was broken up and disjointed. Ellen Page was her usual-(huh? I'm adorable?)-self, which is always fascinating to watch. The love interest had the worst haircut ever. Lemme see if I can find a picture, hang on...

There. I had to draw some extra hair in to show you what it looked like in the movie.

If you can get past the hair (and brit-teeth and Jack-Skellington-body), then he's a likable enough guy.

Bottom line is, this is one of those movies that people will WANT to like, so they will ignore the fact that they were disappointed, which is kind of what I did.


Saturday, September 26, 2009

Whip It Good

I was invited to attend a super exclusive sneak preview of the movie
Whip It, along with the rest of the general public. They gave us these
limited edition VIP movie tshirts, that only people who see Whip It
may wear. Basically, I'm important. That's all I wanted to say.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Post where I talk about how busy I've been. And, Homer.

I have been disturbingly busy ever since the kids started back at school. My schedule is freakish. My day basically ends at 2pm. Disturbing, no? Freakish, yes? I'm srsly thinking of dressing up for Halloween this year as my car-pool schedule, but I don't want to scare the other parents.

Homer's going to preschool two days a week now. He loves it. Who wouldn't love preschool? What with all that glue and scissors and Thomas the Train tables? That's heaven, my friend.

These pictures are from Homer's first day of school, about four weeks ago:

He was so excited, but still fell asleep in the car on the way there. It's kind of a long drive, in preschool minutes. Doesn't he look about seven years tall in that picture? Sad.

He perked right up when we got there, tho.

This is the inside of the preschool. It's really cute. Probably the cutest preschool any of my kids have gone to.

Despite my day ending earlier this year, I still have loads of one-on-one time with Homer. I have moments when I really appreciate the time I have with him, and moments when I long for a little more freedom to get the things done that I need/want to do. I'm trying to find a good balance, but so far Homer is winning. Part of the problem is that he has suddenly turned into a giant chicken. He's afraid to be alone, due to the ghosts, pirates, and aliens that live in our house. I don't wonder why he's afraid of those things, because I was terrified of the same things when I was his age. Except maybe pirates.

Here's an edited-down video I took of Homer before school this week. He still has his head wound here, but it's looking much better now. I wanted to ask him a few interview-type questions, but he pleaded the 5th to most of them. As a result, most of the video wound up on the cutting room floor. I got tired of hearing my voice after about 2 minutes anyway.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Anybody know what this metal thing is?

I just noticed it leaning up against our house, after I heard a loud
crashing noise. Noise and metal thing could be unrelated.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Cars and Potential Scars

We had the dreaded pinewood derby on Thursday.
This was our 6th one, but we've made 8 pinewood derby cars total. Every car we've ever made has brought shame on the Esplin family name. We gave up trying about 6 cars ago. Now when pinewood derby time rolls around, we just endure it.

But look and behold...
This year, Gus's car took second place in his den, and third place overall. And the competition was stiff this year. How random.

Notice his car ^^.
Our strategy was to do the bare minimum. Totally paid off.

That night, Homer was playing in the gym and ran straight into the wall:

You know what wall I'm talking about, right? The wall we all love to hate, made of spiky braided twig that causes bodily harm to all who brush up against it. The wall that deters sleeping during sacrament. The wall that says "Step off, playa" when we play basketball in the gym, or dare to play tag in its vicinity with the other preschool kids.

It left that nice distinctive braiding pattern on his face. That'll teach him. He's lucky they didn't go with one of those flashy walls made of razor blades.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Equivalent of a Slow Clap

Hey, remember that R.I.P apron I got in the mail on Friday? Well, it seems a trend of sorts has begun, because earlier this week, I received this in the mail:

Yes, a second apron. From Sara. If you can't tell, that little picture below the words is my poor burnt cinnabun, who traveled over the country via the US Postal service. Burnt cinnamon rolls on an apron... ah, the irony. Bravo Sara. And did you catch the miss-spelling? That's more irony, I'm sure, since I'm a terrible speller. I'm sure Sara did that on purpose. Ahem.

Anyway, right after that, I got number three in the mail:

(above two pictures taken by short person, btw)

That one is from the infamous Mockingjay. It's very sturdy and will be perfect for cooking pumpkins and squash. In fact, I think I'm gonna wear it when I burn Thanksgiving Dinner.

Before I could even blog about the "Who's" and "Mockingjay" aprons (I've been a busy busy bee!), I got number four:

That stylish beauty is from Landee. Hand sewn with a sewing machine. Super impressed.

Here I am, cooking in/modeling Landee's apron:

Opening the fridge is step one of cooking.

Step two, pull something out and figure out what you can make with it:

Step three, realize that you grabbed a bottle of Aloe Vera, which is inedible.

Step four, go to Taco Bell and get $0.39 tacos.

(Listen, I know you gize will be tempted to enlarge those pictures so you can inspect my fridge. It's all very standard, so don't bother. But I will tell you something interesting about those four pieces of paper on my fridge. The two underneath are boring; they're just Tony's work schedule from January and February of 2008. But the two papers on top are important: two spelling tests that Cord got 100% on, in the spring of 2007. Way to go Cord!)

Now, back to the aprons. I love all these aprons like my own children. I can't pick between them, so I've taken to wearing ALL of them when I go to Taco Bell. Layering is in.

And they each have their very own hook in the kitchen:

However, I can't help but wonder why the H I keep getting aprons in the mail, unsolicited and all. Here are my guesses:

A) I accidentally enrolled myself in an apron of the day club.

B) An adolescent LDS boy is asking me on a creative date.

C) I am receiving the equivalent of a "slow clap" from a few of my fellow cake decorators for my expertise in the kitchen.

I'm gonna go with C.
So, thanks. I really appreciate it.
::wiping away single tear, as the applause reaches a crescendo::

Friday, September 11, 2009

For Me?

Without it even being my birthday, I got this little gem in the mail yesterday...

Yes, an apron with a dead Princess Jasmine Rue on it.

Nothing says home cookin' like R.I.P.

What have I done to deserve such a gift, you ask? Have an awesome friend named Memzy, that's what. Awsucks, Memzy, you shouldn't have. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.

And guess what? My new apron has already come in handy. I wore it today when I made Tony his lunch.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Upwards of 3-4 dollars per week

I am employed.

I didn't set out to get a job, it just sort of happened. See, a while ago, I made up these Hunger Games-themed prizes for a certain contest-which-shall-not-be-named, on this website called Zazzle. Well, a few days ago, I starting getting all these emails from Zazzle, which annoyed me at first because I thought they were spamming me, so I would promptly delete them without reading them. After the fourth or fifth email, I finally looked a little closer at the subject line and saw this:

Your Product(s) Have Been Purchased

Wha? That's when I did a quick investigation and found out that not only did I have products, but they were for sale to the general Internet public, and strangers living in places like Lakewood, IL were purchasing them.

I get 10% of each product sold, which means I can make anywhere from $0.28 to $2.20, per product. As of today, I've made a total of $15.35. (And listen, that doesn't count the products I purchased myself, because I get that 10% discounted when I buy my own stuff.)

Feels good to be a working girl. Make my own money etc.

buy unique gifts at Zazzle

I've decided to expand my line to include other books themes. I'm working on a "These is My Words by Nancy Turner" line of shirts right now, with grammatical errors. Also, I know this girl who is the best in the bizz, when it comes to designing shirts, and I'm hoping to get her as my 50/50 partner, before she becomes my competition. We're instant imprints, her and I. I'll keep you posted.

$15.35. Can you believe it? Well, I better get back to work. Daily grind stuff. Can't wait for the weekend, eh? TGIF tomorrow.

PS. All those promised prizes have been shipped, except if I'm waiting for you to email me your address (--> Stands and Eyepatchy).

Monday, September 7, 2009


Going, going, gone...

Yes, it's quiet around here on the Blog of Unfortunate Events, now that we've stopped sharing friends. If I'd suspected in advance that you gize had so many friends, I would have put some ads up on my blog for a few days, and made a little pocket change. Really, I had no idea. Congrats.

My usual number of hits does not accurately reflect IRL readers, in case you thought I could claim even 50+ daily readers. Most are just wayward Internet searches. These are probably the top three google/yahoo/bing searches, that lead people to my blog:

1) Breaking Dawn/Stephenie Meyer
2) Adam Lambert
3) you gize

Those first two searchers get what's coming to them, this post and this post, respectively. It's the third google search that concerns me. See, I know exactly what info those searchers are after, because I do the same thing when I suddenly can't remember how to spell the most simplest word. I google it, and hope that google will say "Umm, did you mean...[insert correct spelling]"

However, if you put the words "you gize" into the google search engine, google will not offer a correction, it will instead lead you directly to this post, where not only I spell the word "guys" incorrectly, but so do all of you gize. As a fellow bad speller, I had to do something to alleviate their confusion, so I added a note to the top of the post, including the correct spelling. There. I can sleep at night.

While we're on the subject of google searches, some poor, desperate fellow actually typed this question into his google search engine: "What should I do if my drug dealer is trying to kill me" and was directed to this informative post on my blog, entitled "Preconceived Notions about Drug Dealers". I often wonder what happened to that guy. So I googled this: "what happened to that guy who googled what should I do if my drug dealer is trying to kill me."

Turns out, his name was Jerry and he died.

I think I need to take this blogging thing more srs.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

A bit of a response, and a bit of a reflection

First, I wanted to say that I loved every single HG cake in the competition for different reasons, and I wish I could give everyone an apron, a mouse pad, and two refrigerator magnets for all their hard work, but I can't. Not only would that diminish the entire competition and make the prize meaningless, but also, I'm not made of money. I'm practically poor.

Second point I want to make is that everyone used different strategies in this contest; some people might have spent more time/energy/money on their actual cake, while others might have spent more time/energy/money on trying to get votes, whether real or fake ones. It's nice when someone is rewarded for their effort (or for cheating), we love it, we stand up and applaud and pat them on the back, but we all know that in a real contest that doesn't always happen. Sometimes others things like more creativity or more talent or more popularity, tip the scales in another person's favor, despite all your hard work and effort. Any contest you enter... you enter at your own risk. You may put in hours or days of hard work and end up with nothing. Is that fair? I say all's fair in love and cake decorating.

Despite believing all that ^^ to be true, it made me so happy to see all the cake makers putting so much effort into winning my humble contest, that I couldn't bring myself to let it go unrewarded. So you may not have won the best prize, but you made a nerdy girl from small-town USA feel good, eh? That counts for something. Plus, I think everyone genuinely had fun either making their cake or pimping it out on Facebook, so, win or lose, I'm hoping it was still worth your time and effort.

Third point I want to make is that the cakes that won the secret email vote... we voted for them. From a purely unselfish standpoint, those were the cakes that we-the-cake-makers were rooting for. And we wanted them to win because they depicted some of our favorite scenes in HG, in a creative, funny, and edible way. I believe that should make everyone feel some sense of satisfaction--I was relying on that being the case when I asked for the email re-vote.

Now to Markie, who first taught me about open proxy networks. I assumed it went without saying that the contestants were not allowed to manipulate the poll and cast fake votes for their cake. I guess I should have stated it explicitly, but I thought "send your friends and family over to vote" pretty much said it all. It didn't occur to me that anyone would send robots or even pirates over to vote. I debated over how to handle the situation for awhile, which even included some pacing and some long drives. Part of me (my heart) thought the lack of control was hilarious and I should just let it go. But the bigger part of me (my brain) thought it was my job to stand up for the little cake makers, who worked feverishly on their cake and then sent their 8-12 legit friends and family members over to vote. If I stood back and did nothing:

a) all my future contests would be tainted and people who play fair would never enter another one, rightly so
b) hard feelings would exist between the cake makers
c) the people who won anything with fake votes would feel too guilty to take the prize anyway, and so they'd confess in an email or over the phone, leaving me to unravel the mess they created
d) I would miss an opportunity to create some exciting over-blown drama, and act all important and powerful

I figured, since the cake makers took advantage of my loosely worded instruction and lack of explicitly stated rules, that I also had the right to take liberties when it came to calculating the vote. Did it not go both ways? I assumed it did, since no one explicitly stated otherwise. I decided I would have to void the corrupt poll and come up with another plan right after "60 seconds" took the lead with 222 votes (over 200 of them being fake), and other cakes makers who had computer hacking skills and a competitive spirit started to follow your lead. But I let the voting continue anyway, for dramatic purposes, thinking "60 seconds" would come out with the most votes in the end, and THEN I would turn the tables on him. I didn't see Mockingjay coming, and I could have saved her (aka her friend's pirates) a bit of trouble, but, frankly, I thought she knew me well enough to know that I would not stand by and do nothing, just allow 200+ fake votes on a poll determine the winner.

I know the cake makers who padded their score with fake votes took much delight in outsmarting the other cake makers, and were dying to see the look on the other cake makers' faces. That was part of the fun. Well, I wanted to have a little fun too, and I took much delight in outsmarting the outsmarters. And I'm sure the cake makers who lost the poll vote to those fake votes were going, "The playa just got played. Now what? NOW WHAT?" like a baby mama on Maury who just got some paternity test results. It was a triumphant moment.

I assumed, after that twist, that the poll winners would simply stroke their mustaches, say, "touche," and that would be the end of it.

There I go assuming things again.

I think each of the poll vote winners could make a valid argument as to why the poll vote should have determined the winner. It was a Hunger Games cake contest, after all, and what's more Hunger Games-ish than manipulating and outsmarting the other contestants. I will concede to that point, on the condition that I, too, in the spirit of the Hunger Games, can manipulate and outsmart the contestants right back, by calling for a human-only re-vote.

All that being said, Markie, I am certainly willing to be a sport and reward you for hijacking your way into second place in the poll vote in the "spirit of the Hunger Games." It was a clever move, sending the contest in a whole other direction. This went from being a simple cake decorating contest, to big hysterical mess that lasted for days. So here is your mouse pad, sir.

Roll your little mouse on it with pride.

Not to leave the third-place poll winner out in arena with only one magnet, let me just say that two magnets will be arriving for you. BTW, happy birthday.

So poll winners, take your prizes and be proud of them. You put up a good fight, made this whole thing more memorable for us all, and you deserve to come out triumphant in the end. Put away the tums; like I said, all's fair in love and cake decorating. There's no room for guilt in the Hunger Games. It's harshing the game mellow anyway. Now is the time for bragging, clearing that space beside your computer for your new mouse pad, installing a hook in your kitchen for your new apron, or making room on your fridge for your new magnet.

Until next year, gamers.

This whole thing is extremely nerdy. Right up my alley.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Post in which the Winner of the First Annual Hunger Games Cake Decorating Contest is Announced, and the Losers are Soothed with Consolation Prizes


The apron that started a war...

The mouse pad that barely sparked anybody's interest...

And the magnets that people were willing to be bumped down to third place for...

I am almost afraid to announce the results. Almost. But not really. Srsly, it's just an apron.

I had planned to reveal the cake decorators by posting a picture of them eating their cake, but most people have a good idea of whose cake is whose by now so the dramatic effect will be lost. Also, only 4 people sent me pictures, and such an asymmetrical reveal will never do. So I'm just going to tell you.

It was a VERY close race.

In third place, we have a three-way tie...

Katniss Everdeen. The Girl who was on Fire by Sara

(Warning: May contain lead, or small bits of melted plastic hair.)

"Yes Frosting. The Final Defense of the Dying." by Landee

(%100 edible, as long as you don't mind eating a tiny piece of paper and a tooth pick.)

"Peeta!" by JennyESP

(Yes, that's mine. I don't know whether to eat it or make-out with it.)

Note: Since we have a three-way tie in third place, and I am one of them, I'm am bowing out. That leaves Landee and Sara. Here's what I'm gonna do. I can't send you both two magnets, due to the economy etc. So you two will need to fight over who gets what magnet. You each get one. And go.

In second place...

Here's where it gets tricky, so I'm gonna have to come back to the second place winner.

In first place, we have a tie...

Death of Rue by Memzy

::down on one knee, head bowed, as a cannon fires off in the distance::

Silver Parachute by Shel

(Say Aloha to those Polynesians for me, eh?)

So here's the plan. I have an apron and mouse pad. You two can both claim first-place bragging rights, and then decide between the two of you who gets the apron and who gets the mouse pad, OR we can have a tie breaker vote, and one of you will get bumped down to second place. OR, I can cut the apron and the mouse pad in half and send a half to both winners.<--now we'll see who really loves the apron.
Now for the winner of the poisonous nightlock berry jam...

60 Seconds by Markie

Really, Markie, I had no idea that you were such a big Adam Lambert fan, and that there is a store that sells tiny Adam Lambert paper dolls. Remember, don't eat the jam, feed it only to your worst fox-faced frienemy. Mockingjay, perhaps?

Congrats to those winners.

Now, to the winner of the fair-and-square (ahem) popularity contest.

The infamous Mockingjay by Amy "Hot Pants" Thurston

Now, Mockingjay, I know it was hard to climb to the top, only to fall so far to the bottom. You are like the Britney Spears of cake decorating. So I have decided to go ahead and let you have this apron for all your hard campaigning work. You also get this refrigerator magnet.

Mockingjay's publicist, who was behind most of those fair-and-square votes, wins this consolation prize.

There, now tell those pirates to stop emailing me.

Next, we have our entries who came so close, yet so far away, to winning.

Cornucopia, Rue, and Tracker Jackers by Standsmom

This might be the biggest tragedy to come out of this contest. See, if only Stands had realized that she really made the tracker jacker hive that Katniss knocked down from the tree, instead of the cornucopia, she would have swept the whole competition, IMO. So as a consolation prize, you get this appealing magnet:

Next, we have the nemesis of the above mentioned cake, CORNUCOPIA by Flem

The thing is, Flem has proven on her blog, time and time again, that she is a creative and talented cake decorator. The reason her Hunger Games cake didn't come up to standard was because:

We totally understand, Flem. That's why you're gonna get that magnet.

Last, but certainly not least, Katniss, Sitting on Peeta, Buried in the River Bank by Sam

For making me laugh so hard I spewed Diet Coke all over my keyboard, you will be receiving this:

There. The whole thing is over. Until next year, at least. It's been the most fun ever. Thanks are owed to the ten cake makers who threw their tributes into the ring for a bloody battle. I would tip my hat to you right now, but I'm not wearing one.

Update/Dramatic Twist:

You thought it was all over, did you? Now you gize are going to find out how weak I am. I'm no President Snow.

Mockingjay put up a really good argument as for why I should have stuck with the original poll, and not had the re-vote. I think she made some valid and excellent points.

This was my problem: once people starting throwing in fake votes, it was hard for me to determine who was getting real votes and who was getting fake ones. My evidence was shaky. All I could do was jump back and forth between my sitemeter and my polldaddy results page, trying to catch people in the act. But even that wasn't an exact science. If I wanted an exact science, I would have had to pay $200 to upgrade my polldaddy account. However, I knew for sure that a few cakes were getting tons of fake votes, because the makers gave me a full confession.

What I did next may have been hasty. I decided that the whole poll was corrupt and announced a very dramatic and exciting re-vote.

The only problem was, Mockingjay. Like in any war, poor Mockingjay ended up being collateral damage.

You see, Mockingjay, the winner of the poll vote, DID NOT cast any fake votes for herself. In case you don't know Mockingjay well, let me say that I was not the slightest bit surprised when she received the most votes, despite that bird lying on her cake, because she is freakish popular. Personally, I don't get it, but that's beside the point. In the spirit of full disclosure, I will say that I am not convinced that the pirates who swarmed my blog to vote for her cake did not cast a few fake votes, but my evidence is extremely shaky. Either way, she won by a landslide over someone whose total score was comprised mostly of fake votes. She didn't need any fake votes to win.

Here's my problem now. I hate collateral damage. I feel like it was wrong of me to let that occur. So now I have guilt guilt guilt guilt, gnawing away at me when I think of the awesome apron that slipped right through Mockingjay's broken little wings. I am about to make things right with poor, dead Mockingjay, and I hope she will accept my attempt to make things right. I know all the cake makers will support me when I do this, because after reading all that, you can't deny that something must be done about poor Mockingjay.

So, I am naming Mockingjay the official winner (by a landslide) of the all-important original popularity poll contest, fair and square. She gets to keep her bragging rights, and she also wins this well deserved apron:

I hope you all enjoyed the last twist in this dramatic cake decorating contest. The ups and downs, and trying to outsmart all you devious cake makers (as well as the pirates), has made this the MOST funnest contest I have ever had. Big congrats to Mockingjay and the other winners and the losers too!


PS. You don't get that magnet, tho, Mockingjay.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Fallout from Yesterday's Cake Decorating Contest

::Pacing slowly back and forth in front of my compy with my hands clasped behind my back, disapproval written across my face. Sighing. Then turning to face you gize dead in the eyes, but leaving my hands linked behind my back for dramatic disapproval-type effect.::

I had planned to write a post today, in which I would congratulate the winner of the first annual Hunger Games Cake Decorating Contest, while at the same time, murmur soothing words of comfort to the losers. However, I cannot do that, as we have no winner.

::Pausing to let those words sink in::

I understand that the stakes in this contest are high (an apron, a mouse pad, and two refrigerator magnets), so I am completely excusing any corrupt behavior that may have occurred yesterday... but only from a moral standpoint. I cannot, however, let that corrupt poll determine the winner of this contest, and here is why: no one will ever enter my annual cake decorating contest again, bc they'll have no chance of winning. Basically, I'd have an uprising on my hands.

I have lots of complicated evidence of this corrupt behavior, but it's way over your little cake decorating heads, and it would mean me pointing fingers, so I'm just going to show you my simplest evidence.

Here are my Sitemeter results from yesterday:

You see that lil spike on that bar graph? That's how many hits I got yesterday. 938. Now, I'll knock off about 100 to account for you gize checking back over and over to see if you were winning. ::imagining your lil faces falling as you realize you weren't even close, and then your eyebrows narrowing when you see that "60 Seconds" and "Mockingjay" are in the lead:: That leaves 838 hits. Still, not all those people voted, I'm sure, so I'll knock off another 30 hits to account for people who had goggled "Adam Lambert" or "Breaking Dawn" or "Was Jesus' favorite color red?" and were directed to my blog (which is an accurate daily average count). So that leaves 808 hits that might have been IRL people who came to vote on the cake decorating contest.

I'm being generous here. I don't for a second believe you gize really have 808 friends, collectively. I only have about 5, and 3 of them were in the contest.

Now, here are the results from the polldaddy cake decorating vote:

First, you'll notice that Mockingjay got the most votes, and your eyes will narrow, and then your face will soften as you search for your own cake, hoping that perhaps you took second or third place, and then you'll realized that you didn't and your eyes will narrow again, but then you'll see you still got X number of votes and you'll be like "They like me, they really like me!"

But all that is not the point. Please direct your eyes to the bottom of the poll, where the total number of votes have been computed. Yes, 1,217 votes. Now let's take out our calculators...

808 visitors who voted, minus 1,217 total votes, equals negative 409.

Negative 409.

Sitemeter isn't completely accurate all the time, but Sitemeter also isn't that IN-accurate. A few voters might have bypassed my blog and voted via googlereader, but I'm not delusional enough to assume that 409 strangers follow my blog on googlereader. I may be gorgeous, but I have zero personality.

So where did all those extra votes come from?

Still not wanting to jump to any conclusions, I set up THIS anonymous survey to try to get a few answers. 41 people took the survey, and out of that 41, seven people answered "yes" to question number one:

(actual survey)

(^^of your computer hacking skills, yes)

Armed with this knowledge, plus the additional techno-info I have which is beyond your gizes comprehension, I decided that I cannot yet determine a winner of this cake decorating contest.

Here's what I need the ten cake decorators to do:

Follow these instructions carefully:

1) Send an email to ajesplin at gmail dot com
2) In the subject line of your email, copy/paste this: DON'T SCREW WITH JESPY
3) In the body of your email, copy/paste this:

My first place cake is...
My second place cake is...
My third place cake is...

4) WITHOUT VOTING FOR YOUR OWN CAKE in ANY place, fill in your answers.
5) Hit send.

First place = three points
Second place = two points
Third place = one point
Points tabulated, divided, winner determined.

If anyone other than the ten official cake makers tries to send me this email, I will read it, type out some hilarious reply, but then backspace the whole thing and delete your email. ::Srs face::

So, what about all that hard campaigning you gize did? What about all those family members and friends, and childhood acquaintances you sent over to my blog to vote for your cake? And all the friends that your friend's friend sent over?

I do not want all that hard work to go unrewarded. After all, that was the most funniest thing I have ever witnessed. I pretty much spent the whole day laughing. And I know that a lot of those votes were real votes made by real flesh and blood people who glanced at all the neat cakes real quick and then voted for yours anyway.

In fact, I have reason to believe that most, if not all, of the votes that were cast for the Mockingjay cake were done by real flesh and blood people pirates. See, Mockingjay had an ace in her/his pocket:

^^That's Mockingjay's BFF since 8th grade. Sure, she looks sweet, but check this out:

Yes, she's a pirate. A very popular pirate who is fiercely loyal to Mockingjay. All that pirate had to do was say "Oh pretty please with a cherry on top..." and all her crewmates swarmed to my blog to vote for Mockingjay's cake. She welds so much power, in fact, that she didn't even have to promise a certain favor in return, which is part of the pervy pirate code. Ahem.

How do I know this happened, you ask? Because my blog was swamped with referrals from the Pirate4x4 message boards. Swamped, I tell ya. More than any other referral. I actually followed the link and came compy-screen to comy-screen with 'em. (I have a soft spot for pirates, as you know, so I was quite ecstatic that all those pirates came to my blog for 8 seconds, tho. EEEEEeeeek!)

So, here's the deal. To reward all the cake decorating losers who still put in all that hard work with their cake, and then all that hard campaigning work, you will be receiving a delightful consolation prize. It's not as delightful as the apron, but it's nonetheless delightful.

This, the first annual Hunger Games Cake Decorating contest, has now set a precedent for all future Hunger Games Cake Decorating contests. There will always be a popular vote via Polldaddy, with vicious campaigning and discontention among the Tributes, and the prize will be huge: Bragging Rights. But then there will be the electoral votes, which more accurately reflect the best cake, and which will determine the actual winner and come with a tangible prize. Agreed?

K, my post is over. I just want to use this space below to answer some of the questions from the anonymous survey takers.

Q: How many people can you disqualify from a contest before you don't have a contest anymore?
A: all but one

Q: Is there really only one apron?
A: Only one that I am giving away for free. You can certainly buy one, and I will make a 10% profit on it, bc the company I used says I have to make at least a 10% profit. Sorry about that.

Q: The rules are, there are no rules.
A: I know. And those non-rules apply to me as well.

Q: How did you let this get out of control like this? I expected more from my Capitol.
A: Everything was under control all along, you just didn't know it. Listen, I couldn't tell you what was happening behind the scenes. I needed an honest reaction from you.

Q: Did I win?
A: I don't know who you are.

Q: Will you do this again next year?
A: H yeah

Q: Love you Jespy!
A: Can you rephrase that into the form of a question.

Q: is bbf Best Black Friend? I always had a feeling Nicole was black on the inside... all of the cakes were equally... ummm... unique? i did love them all, but the power of the PBB is strong...
A: Yes, and I agree on all points made after.

Q: Why do write "seriuosly" "srsly"?
A: Firstly, bc seriuosly is the incorrect spelling of the word, and secondly, bc it svs me four keystrokes.

Q: Bravo, Pres. Snow. Bravo.
A: Question form please.

Q: Does this mean I'm on restriction?
A: You would be if I knew who you were.

Q: yeah..why am i taking this survery...i dident even bake a cake.
A: My guess is that you were curious about the survey, so you opened it, and then just started answering questions haphazardly bc is it was there open in front of you.

Q: Aaaarrgh!
A: ::unsheathing my cutlass::

Q: Will you make this fair? ::stink eye::
A: Sort of.

Q: since you joined pirate.... you really should follow the rules... :crosses arms and raised eyebrows:
A: ::un-crossing your arms and pushing your eyebrows down:: No.

Q: Can I eat my cake now?
A: Yes

Q: Are you related to Train Horn?
A: Er... is that person?

Q: Can you give us better "material" than Nicole
A: Like "silks" and "velvets"?

Q: what the????
A: It's a survey

A: A SURVEY! sheesh.

Q: Who won?
A: It's almost over. Be patient.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Hunger Games Cakes

Welcome to the first annual Hunger Games cake decoration contest! We have ten tributes to pick from. May these ten tributes serve as a reminder to you of your treacherous acts against the Capitol, 75 years ago when you weren't alive. Really, you brought this on yourself.

Be sure to enlarge each picture and really get a good look at the deets. I hope these games bring a tear to your eye, whether it be a tear of sorrow or a tear of laughter.

Let the games begin, and may the odds be ever in all your gize favor.

Oh, one more thing. Please refrain from identifying your tribute, or anyone else's tribute until the voting is closed. Let's keep it anon, K? You can leave comments, but the voting will be determined by the poll. Voting is open until 11:59pm tonight. And yes, you can send your friends and family over to vote. We might finally settle that old arguement, "who's the most popular?" Or you can vote from your heart. Meh.

#1. The Cornucopia

#2. The Death of Rue

#3. "Peeta!"

#4. Mockingjay

#5. "Yes Frosting. The Final Defense of the Dying."

6. 60 Seconds (until the 74th annual Hunger Games)

#7. Katniss, Sitting on Peeta, Buried in the River Bank

#8. "Katniss Everdeen, the Girl who was on Fire"

(Katniss Everdeen, exploding)

#9. Cornucopia, Rue's Flowers, and Tracker Jackers

#10. Silver Parachute

UPDATE: If you were directed here from another site and want to see who actually won the cake contest, click HERE.
The poll below was voided. If you want to know why, click HERE.
This contest was done in good humor among friends, and we all found the cheating, outsmarting, and manipulating to be highly entertaining and dramatic.
We will definitely be having a Catching Fire cake contest before book three is released next year.

WAIT... click right HERE before you go. It's just a quick survey about this contest. No biggie. Nicole wants you to take the survey, too. Yes, yes, she told me to tell you. No, no, you're not in trouble.

::raising my eyebrow, crossing my arms, giving you a "you're in srs trouble" look::