Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Part Two: A Dramatic and Twisted Tale

*This is a continuation of the post about past boyfriends that I started below, so you might want to read that one first.

*Also, I pretty much mastered the drums on Orange Crush on Rock Star. Sounds hard. Yeah, I'm that good.

OK, where was I? Oh yes, Jeremy Cla (the older guy who was way out of my league) finally asked me out, as I had finally graduated from high school (with a near genius level GPA) and was somewhat legal to date (or at least close enough)…

So, I was a bit awkward on the first few dates, but he kept asking me out anyways (I was so worth it). Eventually, we reached boyfriend/girlfriend status, and we managed to do so… without ever having kissed.

I know what you’re thinking...

How could that happen? Can two adults (well, technically, I was only 17) even call themselves boyfriend/girlfriend without ever having kissed?

Well, first and foremost, he introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend. But also, we were always together, he always held my hand, he met my parents, and he sang hymns with my mom whilst sitting beside her on the piano bench… (Check, check, check, check, and check)

But, as you would imagine, the fact that we hadn’t yet kissed constantly hovered over our heads, like a galactic hovercraft. (Yeah, sorry about that analogy)

Here, I should probably insert a few details about Jeremy Cla.

He described himself as a “late bloomer.” Translation: “I was a total nerd just a few short years ago.”

He had only had one (somewhat brief) relationship with a girl before me. Translation: “I only recently came to the realization that I’m no longer a nerd.”

The above-mentioned ex-girlfriend was the first and only girl he had ever kissed. Translation: “I don’t know what the h3ll I’m doing.”

And, he had just barely broken up with her. Translation: “I couldn’t very well marry the first and only girl I ever kissed.”

All of these things (except the last) worked to endear Jeremy even more to me. It’s not like I had loads of experience when it came to kissing boys, although I could make-out with the back of my hand like nobody’s business (are you calling me a slut?). And how often does a girl find a handsome, 6’4” hunk of muscle that doesn’t have an ego the size of a hovercraft? Yeah, not often. He was a diamond in the rough, and he didn’t even know it… yet.

So, back to my story. Tension, tension, tension about not having kissed…

Then… it happened.

I think I’ll stop here today.

What? I’m on the edge of my rolling computer seat! (<--Says you)


So, Buttercup was about to marry Prince Humperdinck... Oh wait, wrong story.


That night, Jeremy and I were at his house, looking at photo albums with his roommate, Wade (who actually owned the house).

Third wheel? Um, yeah. But much of the tension was gone since we couldn’t very well go at it with his roommate sitting right there. Finally, Jeremy says he wants to go to bed, so he’d better walk me out to my car. The weird thing was that he said it all abruptly, mid-conversation, which in turn made me feel uncomfortable, like maybe I’m buggin’ or something. So, I’m like, “Oh yeah OK I better go bye.”

And I set a nice brisk pace to my car with him kinda trailing behind at a half-jog.

When we reach my car, I turn my head to say something like, “Well, see ya bye!” but he puts his arms around me, mid-turn, in an awkward embrace.

I don’t even have a chance to comprehend what’s about to happen before his lips hit mine. But I do comprehend that our lips are all off-centered, and his cheek is smashed against mine. I’m not even facing him. The kiss is firm and uncomfortable. My lips are pinned down by his and I couldn’t move them if I wanted to (recall that he’s a wrestler). He has me pinned like this for a count of 4, and then he releases me.

I stumble back a bit after the release, and he looks at me with this stunned/confused expression. I stand there for a moment, not having enough nerve to actually look him in the eye, but thinking that maybe he’d like to give that another go.

He doesn’t do anything.

I get in my car, and fast, sort of waving goodbye.

How does a girl recover from that? I was so embarrassed, I don’t think I slept much that night. I just kept thinking, “He probably thinks I’m a horrible kisser,” and, “If only he hadn’t smashed into me, half-turn, I could have knocked his socks off!” (Jeremy often wore socks with his black, Teva-like sandals, despite my gentle suggestion that he do otherwise.)

I was dreading our next encounter. I didn’t know what to say. I considered saying nothing at all, and acting as if we hadn't just shared the worst kiss in the history of kisses.

As it turned out, he made the decision for me… he brought it up.

I’ll tell you about that indignant conversation next time, and I'll tell you about Angela, his ex-girlfriend who was in our Ward, way prettier than me, and still madly in love with him.


Amy Thurston said...

Maybe when you were practicing making out with your hand, you should have taken the time to draw on a pair of fake lips. That might have helped you out with the off centered thing.
It so far sounds very romantic though.

Amanda said...

I'm totally enjoying this story. You are an amazing writer and I wish I could write like this. I have now set the goal to develop a talent for it someday.

Cristin said...

YAY another awkward kissing story!!! I LOVE IT! Can't wait to hear more, your an awesome story teller.

Erin Beck said...

Rebecca Ryan slowely unbottoned her blouse.....

Markie23 said...

Are there "heaving bosoms" in this story?

Emily said...

You tell such great stories. You should write a book. Really. I love all the details--I could picture it all!

Memzy said...

Knowing we have ALL had such an awkward kissing moment makes reading this one even more pleasurable! Thanks for a good laugh (all the way through).

::pacing the floor waiting for next installment::

abutler said...

I'm waiting for the dramatic conclusion where you tell us ...he's gay?